An obsession with Weight
This post came to me whilst out on my run this morning. I have chatted to a few people this week about my thoughts and feelings and wanted to share my weight story and some of the positive thoughts from this week.
Back at the beginning of January I kicked off a new exercise routine. I have stuck to it strictly for the past four months and have seen some real physical and fitness improvements. Every week I do three different types of exercise, firstly I have a PT session with Kane at No Bull Fitness. Then at home I do a body coach HIIT class followed by a yoga class or maybe a Mutu class. Then I do a 4-5 mile run once a week, normally on a Sunday morning.
Diet wise, I have been trying hard to focus on eating more protein, drinking more water and eating more fruit and veg. I have been tracking my food in MyFitnessPal, but I will admit that I’ve not been super focussed on food. There has beenn a few self-sabotage days. I think I will forever struggle with food. It is such an emotional thing for me, if I’m sad I want to eat, if I am happy I want to eat.
Having hypnotherapy sessions back in 2015 really helped to understand my conscious and sub-conscious relationship with food. I have managed to keep my body size consistent to a size 12, sometimes a size 10, since going through that treatment, but my weight has varied a lot.
Weight!
At the beginning of January, I weighed myself. I weighed around 11 stone 10 lbs. Which according to the BMI measurement from the NHS is classed as obese. Huh, how can you be a size 12 and be classed as obese?
Kane, my personal trainer told me never to weigh myself again. He knows the psychological effect of how weighing oneself effects the mind. So, he was adamant that I wasn’t allowed to weigh myself again.
We watched my fitness improve massively over Jan to April. I was lifting bigger weights, managing more reps in a row. My flexibility is incredible (downward dog with heels down, easy) and my running times have increased hugely. My mile pace was 11:11 in January and is now 9:50 in April.
My body shape has changed. I can fit comfortably into my clothes, size 12, sometime 10. My blouses don’t gap at boobage area. I have very little muffin top over my trousers. My thighs don’t rub together. I have toned up big time.
Surely, I have lost weight?
Surely, surely, I have lost weight. I had the discussion with Kane about weight and he said what will you think if you haven’t lost any weight? How will you feel? I replied, “I must have lost weight, look at my waist, look at my bum, they are smaller”.
So, I weighed myself, I went into Boots on Friday afternoon (never weigh yourself in the afternoon!) and weighed myself on the £1 machine (as I threw away our scales we had at home). I weighed EXACTLY THE SAME as I did at the beginning of January.
Oh my gosh the crushing disappointment. How can I still weight 11 stone 10 lbs? With all the positive things that have happened this year with fitness improvements. Gutted. It took me seven days to tell anyone what I had done.
Talking it out helps!
I spoke to Emma Webster-Newman who is a mum friend from school and a personal trainer. She gave me a proper talking to. You can be a size 10 or a size 18 and still weigh the same amount, everyone is different. Some people weigh themselves daily and some people weigh themselves never. Neither is right or wrong. Ignore the BMI measurement as it does not consider people who go to the gym and build up muscle weight rather than fat weight. If you look good and feel good ignore the weight.
I chatted to football mums at Cambridge training, one is really into her weight training and fitness, the other is really into her running and is petite. We talked about everyone having something they obsess about, be that a flabby stomach or strength or bingo wings or being too thin. Us women all have something, or many things that we are not happy about.
That number!
These women are all talking sense I know, but I still can’t help but to come back to that number that a healthy weight for my height is between 9 and 11 stone. It has been drummed into me for 25 years. I have spent my entire life, since aged 12 watching what I ate, exercising and obsessing about my weight and amount of fat on my body. I have joined slimming world or weight watchers probably ten times throughout my life, both obsessive about reaching a weight goal. They never helped by the way, my weight would go up and down.
I get weighed at the doctors to assess contraceptive suitability, I was weighed throughout each of my three pregnancies. Health throughout my life has been all about weight, weight, weight. It feels like a difficult obsession to break out of. Even now with all the sense that has been said to me this week I keep coming back to the fact that I current weigh more than 11 stone.
I thought I would take a picture, its pretty brave to do this, but I want people to see what 11 stone 10 lbs looks like. And a body that has been 16 stone or 10 ½ stone (admittedly after a gall bladder removal op where I didn’t eat for a week). A body that has given birth to three babies, one of which a 10lb 10oz whopper.
I am not sure how I will ever get over this, but writing about it might help, at least to get it out of my mind. And if you are reading this nodding leave me a comment. Do you feel the same? Do you obsess over weight and wish you didn’t?
9 Responses
How did you find hypno? I feel like I may need to do something like that as I swear I’m addicted to food! I hate not getting weighed and wanting to see improvements but I too hate getting weighed and not seeing improvements (if that makes any sense!!) did you or your PT measure yourself in January rather than weigh? I bet you would certainly see a difference with those figures x
Hypno was so good. It addressed all those nasty chimp sub-conscious thoughts from many years ago that creating beliefs and patterns. I only needed three sessions. And my friend is a hypnotherapist. I paid full price though;-) I measured myself last year actually and that is a good shout, I should re measure and see what has changed. xxxx
I’m exactly the same- it’s so difficult to not obsess over the numbers. I need to remind myself sometimes that my body has made two little people and it’s going to look a little different. It is hard though, but working on it.
For what it’s worth, I think you look fab.
Thank you Nicola xxxxx I saw you were back on the slimming world plan. Yes our bodies have gone through so much. I am never going to have a flat stomach due to stretching of 3 babies, and years of being very overweight, but I am trying!
Food…glorious food! Like you I’m an emotional eater. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes last year and now it’s not so glorious. Or so I thought. After a period of beating myself up to let “it” get so out if control and paying the ultimate price… the lifestyle disease. I decided to take control. Slowkh changing my relationship with food. I have developed a series of life affirming rituals. Yes I read The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod and adapted it to suit who I am without losing the guiding principles. I reward myself when I’m happy with different options aside from food, a new book or something for the house. I manage stress with meditation and have started exploring crystal healing. It’s not easy and recently I fell off the wagon big time when I started a new job… but the most important thing is I never quit. I took a break (albeit an unhealthy one) didn’t chastise myself about it too much. And started again…
Media … health articles .. celebrity endorsement can lead us down too many paths that weren’t created for us. We see the results of others and think… “Yeah I can do that”. After a few months, even weeks we’re tapping out.
All I can say is I created a lifestyle that suits me by using some tried and tested frameworks. I measure my health by my blood sugar levels, how I feel and my blood pressure. I’m still a “big” girl, although smaller than I was last year. Threw my scales away and live by the life affirming rituals I’ve created.
Oh Nat, diabetes. Well that was the shock you needed to make a change. I love that you have turned to a book or crystals rather than food. Such a powerful switch. Sounds like you have got it sorted, and most likely your size will change as you eat in a different way. Did you know Heather at EE? She used to look after us, the digital team many moons ago. She is not a cognitive hypnotherapist and really changed my mindset, the unconscious one. Think I need to have another session with her about this obsession with 11 stone! Thank you for commenting, wonderful to hear from you xxx
I think it’s mostly the media portraying that you have to be model-thin. Even my wife is self conscious about her weight, and she’s 5’7 120lbs!
Agree, the media has a lot to answer for. Every woman seems to have something that they don’t like when should celebrate what we do like
I understand that I will never have a supermodel figure and my parameters are far from perfect. But I am interested in losing weight from the perspective of health. Extra weight has already caused me a lot of health problems and I just want to find my balance.
Of course, I also have an obsession with numbers and I don’t think that I will ever be completely satisfied with the results. But I understand that this is not great and I am trying to change my attitude towards figure and weight. Being healthy and have a strong body is something that will please me.